and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
