jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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