We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
