I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
