I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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