I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
