i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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