his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
