How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
