i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize