after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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