No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
