Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
