To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
