my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize