Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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