I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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