You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it penis luge time yet?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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