I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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