my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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