got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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