the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
