I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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