Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize