Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
