Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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