My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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