Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
