still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
