Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
