dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
