so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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