I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
