Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
