Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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