I hate your face
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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