we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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