I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize