I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize