**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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