College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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