watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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