Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
