I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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