Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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