i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
