we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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