I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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