I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
