Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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