i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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