are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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