after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
