not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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