some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
