I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
