We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
