a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
