i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
