For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
