Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
