My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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