she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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