dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
