my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
