dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
